Blog

5/9/26

Twix

Brimfield. Im staring up at the sky. Craning my neck. I see the Milky Way. My cigarette is making me dizy. I stagger back and forth with my head tilted back like this. But i see the stars. And smoke pluming grey and fogging my vision when I exhale. Its nothing but sky and smoke. Inky black blueish purple. I prefer a twix personally, but this is nice too.

5/1/26

Elevators

There's magic in the world. There's power in forgetting. Forget me please, and everything you built up around me.

I think I've made myself just as shy as you are. It's almost unbelievable. Last night you stepped into the elevator, waved, and tried your best to smile. I forgot you even lived in this building. I waved back of course, I smiled, but I felt my cheeks get warm with embarassment. I fold myself into the far corner and tuck my face into my phone, you look down at your shoes. We get off on the same floor.

Let's go down together, faces burning, trying to look at anything but eachother. Let's get off on the same floor.

Sorry I wont catch you on the way back up.

4/22/26

Bullet wounds

Just watched the most beautiful performance, alone in a room full of people. How do you heal something with no entry or exit wounds? The creases in my jeans leave marks on my thighs like new scars. How can you miss something if you didn't even know what it was when you had it. the way you hold a cigarette cause you don't know what to do with your hands when we are sitting this close. If you know what that quote is from we're getting married. Tommorrow, 4:22pm, you know where, I'll be the one in white, see you there.

Current mood: having a crush on someone I barely ever speak to or see. I think I'm getting lonely. I think i don't even know how to talk you into taking that loneliness away. I like when I see you. I like when we're silent in other people's conversations, and i laugh at something they say and look up to find your eyes have already found mine. Stop fucking doing that I barely know you. It makes me think I know you already. Seriously, why are you doing that? Why are you so quiet? Why can't I figure out where to stand when you're around, if you want me close or far away. What are you thinking about when we're there silent in other people's conversations. I laugh and look up to find your eyes have already found mine, and you laugh.

I think about kissing your neck, reaching for your belt buckle (i don't let my thoughts of you go further than that, promise), to see if it takes some of the lonely feelings away. It's a quick fix but the come down leaves me feeling worse than before. I think I'm the one with the cigarette, looking down at my hands because I don't know what to do with my eyes when we're standing silent in other people's conversations. I wish I knew you.

4/20/26

Standby

Put me in coach.

Sure three's a crowd but i play nice with others i swear. And I'm a good second option but at the end of the night I'll always be sleeping on the couch. You're the A-team and I'm a solid plan B. It's 10pm here and 4am in Germany. Call your fucking girlfriend.

I love drinking with my friends, but now all I want to do is fit my head into your shoulder. And something in the booze makes you think you want me, and makes me think I want them, so now we're all just chasing eachother's tails until the sun comes up or someone passes out. Maybe if i can ever get to the end of this ouroboros I'll have figured out how make a move. Hug me like we haven't hugged in years cause we haven't, that'll be enough to get me by.

4/18/26

Hyena

I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I'm trying to think of what made me fall so hard for you. Down a flight of stairs, off a cliff face, and straight off the edge of the world. I'm trying to find the clever words and ways to put them together. When I'd come to your work and stand at the counter for the last hour of your shift. I thought I was keeping you company, but now i think i was only keeping myself company with you at the wheel. When you let me in the backroom one time and took your shirt off and I had to pretend not to care. #whatever

I've been trying to pave over the hole you punched straight through me. All it took you was one night, loud music, two beers. But no one fits the same way you do. Did. #whatever I know you still think of me, the same way my skin still thinks of your teeth. You asked if i wanted your tickets to La Dispute cause you couldn't make it, when i told you i wanted them you never texted back. Doors at 7:30 and my messages are unread. I love that band and it's not even what I'm upset about. Thanks for the sentiment anyway.

Your girlfriend's way cooler than me i cant even be mad. I'm always stuck as the step up between bad and good. Date me if you want to meet the love of your life a week later. Not even. One night stands seem to do the trick.

I'm not sorry every song's about you. It's all i ever got from my end of the deal. Think of me.